I know it’s easy to complain about ‘nanny government’, particularly when it comes to the EU, but this leaflet I have been asked to keep in the car is really quite helpful. It’s about what to do in the event of an accident. Now, before I read this, if I had a bump I would have stopped the car, pulled the gun out of the glove box and pressed it up to the offender’s windscreen – who knows I might even have capped him in the leg.

Lucky for you shit drivers out there, I’ve read this leaflet. It says ‘Do not get angry’. ‘Stay polite’. ‘Be calm’. Wow – that’s so enlightening I think I might just stick to it. Thanks EU! What the hell do I do with my gun now though?

Before I sound like the bastard love child of Jeremy Clarkson and the Daily Mail, I should perhaps move on. In fact, I’ve just got back from seeing the new Harry Potter. I didn’t really want to go, but hey, I don’t like saying no to a free trip to the pictures. As it happens, my premonition was sadly correct. It was dull, uninspiring and nothing happened. Of course it was well put together but its main let down was that it was way too long. As in, an hour too long. If you want to go see it, just stay away.